I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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