we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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