I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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