I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize