Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
