i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
