this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
