It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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