are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
