he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
