i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
