The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So gin and wine won't be happening again
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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