I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
