I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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