I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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