So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
