Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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