Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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