She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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