I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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