I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
