i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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