I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
