We're like a lot better than the average bears
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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