my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
