Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
