so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
