Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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