Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
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