there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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