You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
