As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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