Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
