In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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