I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
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Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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