My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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