Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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