o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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