guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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