my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
