fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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