good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
