She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
