You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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