Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
there is puke in my bra ... again
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
