i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
