I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
