glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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