I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
