I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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