why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
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