This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
