god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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