3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
