i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
