My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
