he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
