How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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