I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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