that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize