God, you're like boner-b-gone
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
